The DAN LAWS

The Dan Laws

it started as a blog entry and is now a way of life...they are not negotiable and they are in no particular order except where noted... learn them, know them, live them{i know I stole this from a dopey beer commercial, dont make me banish you to another site!}

no pointing out the obvious...if my tire is flat and I am pulling the jack out to change it, please do not say things like "got a flat?" if you see me at the video store and I'm walking the wall of videos, don't say, "renting some movies?" got it? good

always give 'the wave' when someone lets you in while driving...common courteousy, we've all done it, you're at the four way stop and someone waves you in, wave back as to say thank you, the option here is the blinkng of the highbeams

get on the highway! you're on the on-ramp, everyone is doing 65, use that long skinny pedal on the right to accelerate your car and join in, dont pull that hesitate and look thing, stomp on it!, lets go!

use the words "thank you" when appropriate, back to common courtesy, its a small step towards a better world, try it

all movies should be over in 90 minutes..if you cant get it done in an hour and a half make a sequel

no part 3's for movies...i defy you to name a part three of any movie that was either good or necessary, 2 is enough

no more remakes..no tv shows made into movies, no more updating classics, you soil the reputation of the original, leave it alone, get an original idea {i know it the pot calling the kettle black here, but no one is reading this}

no more cell phone usage in public ...ok, this is a tough one, there's people who need to use their celly at all times for business or other reasons,so you get a pass, but if you are in line at the bank, turn off your phone, at the movies, phone off, restaurant, phone off

no shirtless men..unless you are at the pool or the beach, put on a shirt

lose the old jokes... back to the flat tire scenario, dont say "its only flat on the bottom"

no more writing in dirt in cars...ok, it was funny when you were 17, but lets move on, especially you "wash me" people..not only isnt it funny, its not original..one exclusion to the rule, writing your own special message in your own vehicles' dirt is acceptable,for example, if your team wins the world series, writing "mets rule!" is ok but remember you are opening yourself up to yankee fan changing "rule" to "suck"

comb over hair styles shall be banished...touchy subject here..you follically impared folks get my sympathy what with me having such great hair and all,so here's the law..if its thin, you're in, if its gone, make it be gone..head shaving it totally acceptable nowadays, that comb-over thing makes you a target for ridicule, shave that dome and let it shine, think of it this way, you save money on hair care products and have one less thing to do in the bathroom in the morning

fat chicks in belly shirts....OUT!...c'mon, you know who you are, if your belly doesnt line up with your waiste then its a "large" for you..i know, you spent good money on that tatoo and want us all to see it even though you cant but you and your comb-over boyfriend are uglying up my world, get a shirt that fits and get your tatoo silk screened on that so we can all see it

the garbage man can't complain about the smell...this is me painting with broad strokes, all of us have to get up and go to work, i dont know which one of our forefathers set this one up, but its the system and we are all just a part of it..they had "housewives" for a while there but the equal rights woman ruined that for you..so you took the job, do the job, if you don't like the job, quit the job and get a job you'll like..if you hate the smell of garbage don't be a garbageman, if you hate people don't be a walmart cashier and so on and so forth

no backwards baseball caps after your 30th birthday....this is for you "shirtless guy"... turn your hat around or turn your head around, its your choice, you look dumb, straighten up..one exception is if you are the catcher on your beer league team you get a game night pass

under no circumstances can two men share an umbrella...you're a man, you shouldn't even have an umbrella

no cameras at the bachelor party...this one is lifted from the unwritten book on mans laws..shut off the cell phone because that too may have a camera in it..taking pictures will only lead to your fellow man having to explain himself one day or ruining his run for senate...i really shouldn't have to have told you this, you should just know

farts are funny...the smell may not be, but no one is allowed to be mad at another human for farting ever again..this will probably lead to a rise in global warming but from this day forth gas shall be a punchline and celebrated

friends don't let friends wear speedos..period, ever...... subject closed

talking through the bathroom door is now banned...i'm in my stinky fortress of solitude here, leave me alone..i promise not to talk from my side, go away, i won't be long...exceptions are emergencies such as fire, "dinner is done" and "the game is back on"

no two men on a motorcycle the only real exception I can think of is a medical emergency and one guy needs a ride to the hospital and that is the only mode of transportation

If you buy a round of beers for a man he owes you the next round don't be a cheap bastard is what I am trying to say here

never use a cushion {soft} toilet seat its a sponge for nastiness...hardened plastic has worked for 100's of years, leave it alone

Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal. And eyes straight ahead.

Women can't drive. i mean you know how to, you just suck at it, I am impressed with the "cell phone talking and the putting on of the make up while drinking coffee"-driving, but face it ladies, give us the keys, we'll even open the door for you and get you home safe

No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man c'mon, its a circular saw, I got it, plus if I screw up, you'll have a great story about the day I cut off two of my toes and you had to rush me to the hospital {on your motorcycle?}

A man to man phone call can last no longer than 5 minutes. exceptions; father/son, lawyer/client, doctor/patient, boss/employee {work talk only} and catching up with friend you havent seen in more than 7 years, thats it, thats the list

the driver picks the music I had to check, i thought this was already a Dan Law, touch my radio I will break off your arm and beat you with it...and finally

You don't seek help unless absolutely necessary puss oozing out of wound? wait until tomorrow,it'll be fine...leaky pipe? i got a 12 inch pipe wrench and a roll of duct tape, it'll be fine... service engine light? bottle of dry gas and check the gas cap, it'll be fine...cant read the fine print? squint, reposition and bluff it, it'll be fine

SPECIAL GRILLING LAWS

thou shall not say, "you're burning that, flip it over"... no I am not and go away or I will smack you with my spatula

do not brag about your {or anyones} grill being bigger my grill is feeding you, enjoy it and stop over compensating, you're embarrasing yourself

sticking a beer can in a chickens ass does not make for a more moist meal you're wasting good beer and falling for the biggest cullinary hoax since sun dried tomatoes

the side burner is for rookies all grill masters know that if it belongs on a burner, it goes inside with the women on the stove, the burner is a waste of good shelf space

aprons are acceptable thats right, on this joyous occasion men can wear aprons freely and openly as long as they are the grillmaster for the day, "kiss the cook"overgarments are ok until the meal is consumed, then its off with the apron

charcoal is old school but join us in the future please, we all admire your love of the classics but you dont stll pee in an outhouse do you? you're not putting tinfoil on the rabbit ears of your tv to watch the ballgame are you?plus I think you're giving us all cancer with that stuff

the end piece of the steak is to be eaten at the grill by the cook call it the tester piece or reward but you know you'll be the last one the sit down to eat if you even get to eat sitting at all, so go ahead, cut yourself a piece and burn the roof of your mouth, you earned it

the grill master never gets his own beer keep the griller well lubricated at all times with the beverage of his/her choice, never make him leave his post to refill

those corn on the cob holder thingies are for kids, grandmas and fruity guys there will be no arguing this, be a man, eat with your hands

SUPERBOWL PARTY LAWS

dont block the tv even if you spent all day preparing finger foods and its the grand moment when you present them, work from the side of the tv, people will appreciate it and no one will yell at you

i dont need to know who the players are dating this isnt coffee talk here, its a football game, i really dont care if they are dating the entire cheerleader team, the announcer or head coach, not important

the commercials are not better than the game most fans have invested sunday after sunday sitting on their fat asses watching, snacking, analyzing, preparing for today and also dealing with the fact that their steady date for sunday afternoon will be leaving them shortly for about 8 months, dont sit there and point out that you thought the beer commercials were better than the execution of a 3rd and long draw play

dont double dip the chip also known as the Costanza rule, dip once, move on... "its like your whole mouth is in there"...rule 4.1 is, if your chip breaks in the dip, get a spoon and skim that chip out of there, i dont want you fingers in my spinach/artichoke dip, thank you very much

no dumb questions i know you hardly know what a football is, but saying things like "can they do that"? and "is that fair" only take away from the experience, listen to the announcer, he knows everything and will explain it to you in more details than you ever would care to hear and show you 57 replays from 32 different angles

halftime is for bathroom, the switching of the snacks and checking internet sites for betting results anyone who says "ooo Prince is on" shall be banished to the kitchen

"on your feet, lose your seat" is suspended only for today, only until after the post game hoopla

all game time bets shall be paid in full on game day no welching , no "IOU's"... pay up

the host gets first pics of seats also known as the Archie Bunker bill..you're drinking my beer, eating my food, get our of my chair...and if you touch my remote or tv I'll break off your arm and beat you with it

non football fans who think the game is "stupid" are banished from the viewing room sundays game is the equivilant of turkey on thanksgiving, fish on christmas eve and blowing stuff up on july 4th, if you think its stupid then the terrorists have won

BANNED SAYINGS, TERMS and WORDS

we here at danmodica.com are totally against censorship but there are some words sayings and expressions that have been used enough. it is time for them to go.

"24/7"-about 10 years ago for like a day this was a hip expression.Now it makes you sound moronic and dated
let it go. Variations like 24-7-365 are even worse.

"you know what I'm saying" did you ever notice that whenever someone says this, you have no idea what they are talking about

"as we speak" the as we speak guy should get together with the you know what I'm saying guy and start their own cult.
the words "right now" work just fine

"been there, done that" if your quips come from the TV show Alice, you need to update your quips. Next you'll dust off "kiss me grits"

"the Bomb" "Bling Bling" or "Hook Up" in some circles rap artists are the modern day poets..not mine,
you're helping to dumb down America with these expresssions

"dont even go there" see been there done that

adding the www to a website in conversations. um is there any other beginning to web addresses? No? good, drop it and
you "http" people, join us in the 21st century

"do-able" forget the sexual conitation associated with this term, if you are able to take care of something just saying it, saying
"yes thats do-able" is unessesarily annoying

"happy camper" this one brings out the most violent in me. wassamatter dan, not a happy camper today? what the hell does that even mean?
i've been camping a couple of times and i couldnt tell the difference between the happy campers and the unhappy ones. I'd like to tavel back in time and find the first person
who said this and ridicule them so the saying died right there.

"my Bad"- words cant describe the idiocy connected to this term.lets go back to"I'm sorry" or "excuse me" or even "pardon me"

"we can send a man to the moon, but we cant_________" seriously, we havent sent anyone to the moon in decades. I bet this was acceptable in 1973.

"cyber" yeah we get it, its cyber space, you're a cyber surfer blah blah blah

and finally "dude"..i may be guilty of dropping a few "dudes" in my day but its time to bury our old friend. may dude rest in peace

Thansgiving Day rules:

if you are a guest, act like a guest...dont open a window shade if its closed, dont touch the thermostat, dont re arrange the furniture...even if you are family these are all unacceptable actions..come over, eat, be festive , go home

being the loudest, does not make you the smartest….c’mon now, yelling to make your point just makes you more obnoxious than you already are, speak in even tones, we’ll know you are a dumb ass anyways...come over, eat, be festive , go home

gravy is not a beverage its to enhance the moist goodness of your turkey, or to hide the fact that the cook overcooked the bird and it’s a little dry

take human bites its the biggest eating day of the year, relax, pace yourself, chew, dont swallow it whole, what I am saying here is its ok to be a pig by overeating but not ok too actually look like a pig while doing it

if you don’t like one of the side dishes, don’t eat it…there’s nothing worse than someone taking the cauliflower or asparagus and saying, “ew” I hate cauliflower, leave it for the people who appreciate it....come over, eat, be festive , go home

leave the cook alone…the cook is under a lot of pressure and is trying to put out the meal of the year, stop distracting them with your inane banter or even worse, cooking tips..if the cook needs your help, the cook will ask, other than that. Get out of the kitchen!

Non football fan are forbibben to say “cowboys stink” or “why is the game on? Isn’t there figure skating on”? football on thanksgiving is as important as waiting until santa ends the parade or turkey or cheesecake, leave the game on, go find something else to complain about..and you people who wouldnt know a football if it was jammed up your nose, no commentary on the games

Bring back “the kids table”  when I was a youngin’, we {us kids} sat at a small table either in the kitchen away from the dining room or the living room. We had to wait for an aunt or uncle to pass away to get a seat at the “big table”..this year, under 21, go eat at the coffee table

If you find yourself saying “you know what you should do"…bite through your tounge until it bleeds, you’re setting yourself up to be dope of the day, no one wants your advice on a holiday…..come over, eat, be festive , go home

Don’t call ahead and say “what are we having?..call ahead and say “we’re on our way, you need anything?”, or “what can I bring?” you “menu seekers” are rude, you empty handed people are ruder

If you drink too much alcohol SHUT UP!, obviously don’t drive home, but even more obviously save your old resentment stuff locked in your resentment closet, if you didn’t have the courage to say something before you drank,then you shouldnt have to bring it out when you cant pronounce words properly....come over, eat, be festive , go home

And finally

Don’t overstay your visit..if the host has cleaned the entire kitchen, put all the china away and has changed into sweat pants and is sitting on the couch, you’ve stayed too long..if your baby has gone beyond “cranky” and is ripping the place apart, you’ve stayed too long…if the host is yawning in your face, you’ve stayed too long…if the host says more than three times “I have to get up early tomorrow to go shopping at black Friday sales” you’ve stayed too long…as a rule 90 minutes after the last piece of pie is consumed is a visit enough... come over, eat, be festive , go home

DAN-DAY LAWS   March 6th every year

you still have to go to work. no day off for you "holiday people", get up, get dressed , go do your job, just like Dan

Gift giving. Oh yes, there will be gifts. Everyone shall bask in my glory and exchange gift cards with one each other. Because it is a day to celebrate me, I am keeping this very easy, like me. You can go to the grocery store and they have this tower with gift cards for like 50 other stores in all denominations. You buy a card and that little sleeve that comes with it, and hand it over. Boom, done. No lines,no wrapping, no stressing over what to get Uncle Phil, Uncle Phil would love 25 bucks to spend at the Home Depot!

The Dan-day meal. This will be the cornerstone of March 6th. The Dan-day meal shall be foods from around the world that are acceptably eaten with your hands. The first course will be nachos and mozzarella sticks and stuffed mushrooms. The main meal will be burgers and fries and hot dogs and ribs and chicken wings. For desert its cookies and ice cream cones. Your beverage shall be drank from its original container, preferably a can. There will be no silverware used and paper plates are the fine china of March 6th

Decorations? No, no trees, no lights outside the house, no aluminum pole. Nothing nada zilch.That would be extra work, Dan dont like extra work

Dan Day Apparel? good question. No. You wear what you wore to work, like Dan does. No creepy sweaters with bells on them, no special socks. Nothing like that.

Dan Day music? Yes, on Dan Day we will all listen to classic rock all day, Pink Floyd and Jimi Hendrix and Led Zeppelin and King Crimson etc. . We will listen to that music in our cars really loud with the windows open to show the rest of the world that we like the music that Dan likes too. Just prior to consuming the Dan Day meal, we shall all get together and sing "Wish You Were Here" from Pink Floyd, with the ladies taking the higher harmony part in verse 3

The Dan Day evening. After the paper plates are all thrown away and beer cans put in the recycling bins, we will all take Zantac or Beano and retire to the main event of the evening. The watching of the TV. Its very important to watch the proper things or you will be insulting the man that you are honoring. The rules are simple: if it is a movie it has to have Al Pacino, Robert Deniro or Joe Pesci in it, also acceptable will be Wesley Snipes and Clint Eastwood or Denzel Washington. While watching these movies it is important to recite the lines you know along with these actors, like Dan would do. If you resort to TV there will be a couple of rules also. Sports, fine except no womens sports, except beach volleyball and I'm not sure if that is sports or soft core pornography. Other TV rules, if you have to vote at the end of the show, you cant watch it on March 6th. Animation is perfect. Sitcoms ok, but nothing with Jim Belushi in it. No watching talking heads on the news channels on this day {I'm not sure you should watch them guys on anyday, but thats your choice, this is for MY DAY} and most importantly, the remote will be controlled by a man on this day.

The end of Dan Day. Thats easy, falling asleep on the couch with chip crumbs on your chest and the TV still on is the only way to end this glorious day. If you dont wake up a 3 am and wonder where you are for a second and then have to go take another zantac, you have not fully honored me on my day and after all, isnt that what this is all about?

if you read all the way down to here, i'd suggest a hobby, pet or jumping over to the message board area and submitting your own DAN LAW for consideration...thanx